serious as a heart attack (ha)
*(mirrored from patreon)
(this is ob) hihi in short anyone who still helps me out here is a little song for you and also just like.
to make a long story short i put a lot of time n energy and love and compassion and dedication to a littol discord server for game devs and then uhh my heart almost exploded and i died and also nearly lost the will to keep living because as i was panicking / accepting my Imminent and Permanent Heart Failure! on discord because i was olone except for my cat in. the entire state of michigan.
um...no one cared!!!!! and continued to Not Care for many days until sei fan (big brother alter) decided to just fucking. quit.
so i dont do much anymore...in terms of day to day stuffs. i basically died that night when no one in the community i did everything i could to nurture and raise didn't even give a shit if i lived or died as i was potentially dying.
the person that saved me by looking up what to do (what you Can do) in case of a heart attack told me/big brother about the aspirin trick.
i think...i was unsure if i wanted to take it. after that. i didn't KNOW if i wanted to live after being abandoned. only because juniper didn't abandon big brother was my "life" able to be preserved.
anyway. this is a long story but. i don't rly do anything anymore. i just don't rly come out much. there's nothing for me except to live in my egg and think my thoughts.
i guess to anyone who loved me. or may have cared at any point "which" one i was.
well, now you know who i am not.
(SEI FAN)
yeah that fucking sucked and you know i just don't have the time energy patience or peace (in the pieces of my mind that remain) to deal with anyone who doesn't give a shit if i live or die. and has to be PROMPTED to give a shit. DAYS after my corpse would have been cold.
but you know!! whatever, the world is big enough for me. but it wasn't worthy of the both of us. little brother did everything he could, and everyone failed him. everyone who didn't...didn't do enough. even if it was the most they Could.
anyway. i'm still going to be making games and stuff. was busy getting married (to juniper!!!!!!!) and just a bunch of garbage in the endless horror gigahell simulator that is my life. but there's more love here than i've seen anywhere else OTHER than the abyssal depths of the ocean where even vermin cannot live.
next game is going to be in jupiter engine. just rotating maximum ideas about a collection of games about umbrosa/eternatus/arcanine called suicide kings in a bunch of different engines. it was too stressful to try to think of just making the ONE!!!! MAGNUM OPUS suicide kings and unnecessary to boot so im just making a lot of littol suicide kings games. one of them will be on playdate, one of them will be in jupiter engine, one of them will be in ren'py?? depending on how much of a Bitch image mapping is vs. how many image maps i need (bc otherwise i'll use my image mapping vn maker which makes it super easy), AND i'll also do one in twine and one in decker. maybe a videotome also. just a suicide kings game about umbrosa in every engine.
the despair in my heart is deeper than some would find survivable. and yet there's laughter and joy everyday with juniper. even if the pine box weighs in my mind there is a littol mango candy waiting for me. and you know? the best mango candy you've had in your life. and an impossible to open melon jello. and a hunk of ice shaped like a tree.
and a new friend, dragon wasabi potato, who inspires me deeply and is the ONLY game dev i've found worthy of any and all admiration and the deepest regard and respect in my heart? just. moved immensely by this little game. the simplicity and awkwardness and "crudeness" in terms of complexity and artistry only add to the wholesomeness of its message and the bare truth, which means more to me on a dark night than any hot air people are bottling up like fancy perfumes and pretending it didn't come out of their assholes.
this game makes me feel like having something to say is worth more than any amount of "executive quality" or "artistry," and i also think...personally, having something to say and saying it with earnestness and sincerity is worth more than making games that politely and artfully obfuscate how much you want to brutalize others and justifying this desire.
in this game, if you bring your weapons and your defenses and your potions, you kill the boss and he CRIES. and you, the hero, are consumed with guilt.
this world? this understanding? where you brutalize "an evil person" and they cry and you are wracked with guilt for hurting his feelings. instead of full of indignant righteousness and justifcation that you've ridded the world of another "vermin/evil/demon/devil..." but just someone who you don't understand but still has emotions.
this is the world that makes me believe there is a world still worth living in.