more empress xianming character building
xianming is too arrogant (justifiably) to feel like, skill based shame and inadequacy compared to zy, but something that xianming has no grasp of whatsoever is "selfless acts and HUMAN decency" and when zy genuinely gets upset with her and not even in his usual rages but like horrified and shocked and bewildered and like scared that she doesn't like Get it, like,
not only will xianming never help others of her own volition or goodwill, she will actively and unjustifiably allow them to come to harm while she watches out of curiosity and entertainment
in zhouyu's minds like, a lot of bystanders either dont' know what to do or turn away because they're afraid to get involved.
they're afraid or incompetent.
but xianming is extremely observant and hypercompetent and she could very well act to save a life.
but she will stand by and watch one be destroyed for nothing more than curiosity.
and zy can't like, reconcile that with himself, that xianming COULD help but chooses not to, which is in his mind a worse violence than the violence of "ordinary people"
like in zy's mind what xianming is doing when she curiously watches people come to harm is worse than the actual violencers.
because xianming could resolve the entire situation and appease all parties and deescalate in an instant and come to a perfect resolution where NO ONE gets hurt.
but she doesn't. because she doesn't want to.
and one of the reasons that zy doesn't get like, the last wall zy puts up between himself and xianming is that he knows to a certain extent that xianming is not like other people (genius, nonpareil) and that means Certain Things such as how she Just Doesn't Care about other people except for him.
and xianming doesn't rly care about it? but she feels inadequate and ashamed of herself when zy shames her for something she "doesn't have" and she doesn't know what it is, only that she doesn't have it, and it's important to him.
like ONLY zy could make her feel ashamed for nto having. whatever it is. that she doesn't understand.
like zy will intervene when let's say like, a poor man is getting robbed on the street and beaten for all he's worth, and xm is just standing by, curiously observing. but when zy watches her just stand there in the mouth of the alleyway and Watch like he fucking gets in the fight saves the poor man lets him escape and takes the punches, and only Then does xm intervene.
but zy will scream at her things like "AREN'T YOU FUCKING ASHAMED OF YOURSELF? YOU COULD HAVE HELPED!"
but xm will sincerely just reply "no?"
and "but why would i?"
like the only person in the world that could shame xianming is zhouyu, and the only thing he can shame her for is that she is completely inhuman and has no sense of compassion
she has no interest in other human beings other than "little curiosities"
entertainment or toys...
zy is the only "person" to her.
she's worse than yuui in this regard (a toy making toy in a toy garden) because yuui is kind of like. she has no interest in ordinary people and will only play with violencers as toys, she thinks of ordinary people as completely and utterly irrelevant and uninteresting.
but xianming will hurt Anyone. and allow Anyone except for zhouyu to come to harm.
this also includes zhouyu's friends and family.
which like, zhouyu doesn't rly understand at first at all like zhouyu doesn't quite "get" that xianming is dangerous or like, How dangerous.
like zhouyu knows in an abstract way that xianming is Obsessed with him but he's also like. i'm also poisonously attached to her.
but zhouyu has like, Other People in his life.
and that he may be too afraid to get close with (shinji's hedghog dilemma) but that he secretly cares about deeply.
but like. xianming has literally no one aside from him.
and he doesn't quite understand what kind of person that makes her.
like zhouyu has an attachment and strong belief in humanity.
that xianming lost a very long time ago.
xianming and zhouyu as children were each other's Best Friends and only trustworthy companions and playmates but like...this was like. before xianming grew up to become dangerous. like, at this age it wasn't clear what kind of person xianming would grow up to become.
zhouyu at the end of the day is like, just a normal girl...like Yeah she's fucked up traumatized but fundamentally human (they're fairies but yk).
like zhouyu cares about others...and is cared about in return.
but xianming does not care about literally anyone in the entire world except for zhouyu.
and she would do anything for him, without restraint, or understanding that she has done anything wrong.
like zhouyu and his half brother who grew up with a silver spoon in his mouth, a noble minister's son, are estranged but zhouyu still cares about him in a vague and ambiguous filial piety way. but when xianming casually kills him off to trade another fairy courtier for a favor in one of her plots like zhouyu when he realizes that it was her doing.
is fucking horrified.
like, and when zhouyu confronts her about it, she doesn't even hide it because she doesn't understand it was wrong.
she just says you didn't even like him.
and zhouyu is like IT DOESN'T MATTER IF I 'LIKED HIM' HE WAS MY FUCKING BROTHER.
but xianming feels very wronged and doesn't understand at all why like zhouyu is upset.
xm doesn't really grasp the idea that zy needs other people to be happy. like, she doesn't understand the concept of a society among like...she has this false misconception that zy is like herself and shiragiku, who are like both "above" but also "other than" like they are "else" compared to people IN the realm.
like xm and shiragiku have no bad blood but they are also on opposing sides of a war, but respect each other and have no harsh feelings, shiragiku is xm's like...former master, before xm became a master, like xm was shiragiku's disciple in a regard, until xm was able and old enough to stand on his own and form his own court. but xm and shiragiku have no particular affection for one another? so even though they're on opposing sides of a war they are more like two people on either side of a chessboard, and xm unconsciously categorizes zhouyu as "more like" himself and shiragiku than like, the concept of "people" which he and shiragiku are also Not.
like shiragiku and xm are both court masters / rulers and they're good ones at that, in the sense that their sense of selves extend to their possessions ie the court denizens.
and like they aren't stupid enough to waste assets or pawns unnecessarily.
but also like their possessions are not people.
in the way people consider each other.
so xm doesn't like. Get that zhouyu Needs People and Likes People.
she understands it vaguely in the way of like, domesticated animals like dogs and cats like. need people and are different than wild animals.
but she doesn't quite like. grasp the materiality of it.
like someone explaining to her the fact that people in a society need other people is like explaining to a normal person the science of domesticating housecats.
she's like yeah yeah Anyway.
she doesn't rly like...get it.
so it frustrates her...and upsets her...and is confusing and bewildering.
and even tho she and shiragiku are on opposite sides of a fairy war, she'll still go to shiragiku to complain about this type of thing.
bc among like. the entire world. xianming sees shiragiku as like "another" nonpareil.
and he understands vaguely that zhouyu isn't like, of her caliber or cunning
but he usually thinks it's endearing and cute.
but shiragiku is a generation older than he is and a bit wiser.
and tells him like, "people" are like that
"you and i are not 'people'"
and xianming gets Rly upset like. then how can i make him be like us?
and shiragiku explains if you made him like us, you wouldn't love him anymore.
and xianming doesn't really get what she means by that
and thinks about it for a long time.
i do want to clarify that zy being upset about his dead brother isn't like, xianming is RIGHT that he's not THAT upset like he's not normallevel of normalperson upset about dead brother the way that phrasing would imply. like, he DOES understand that the imperial game requires sacrifice, and is rational enough to know he has made those same tactical decisions as a spymaster.
however, he like, does take the moral high ground because he knows / feels like. It's Xianming. who probably could have avoided killing zhouyu's brother but did it out of smth petty.
but xianming also gets frustrated sometimes like. xianming is godLIKE but also Not a god, is just a fairy.
why is it ok when zhouyu as a spymaster calls for the assassination of his friend's dissident sister and it's not ok when xianming kills his brother?
zhouyu even agreed with the dissident sister, but in zhouyu's mind this is because it's his Job that he Hates but HAS to do and xianming killed his brother for what was honestly probably a petty and useless scheme.
and? he's right. xianming WAS motivated by some petty slight and optimized a plot by killing the brother.
it's more like zhouyu is frustrated bc he perceives xm's motivations are morally wrong.
whereas he feels like HIS motivations for it are "right"
when he calls for an assassination.
xianming has no comprehension of like. the concept of someone was kind to me and it changed my life and i could change someone else's life by being kind as well. like xianming goes blank if you try to explain social cycles of violence / compassion like that.
he sees himself as completely Outside like. the fishbowl.
zy is extremely bad at showing affection and is clumsy backhanded and awkward
(zy, blushing, trying to tell xm he looks really beautiful today) xm: (playfully) what's with all the staring? zy: shut the fuck up. what are you trying to do, outsparkle god? xm: Yes zy: die
he would say that but also cling to xm and hover around him...
zy is surprisingly clingy.
when he's feeling affectionate he will sit Very Close to xm and hold her sleeve or hug her arm but smack her hand if she tries to hold hands.
he wuvs to cuddle...
he's embarrassed... but also wants her attention...
but when she gives it to him he's More Insecure about it.