noroi.fish
- ใใใใใใใใใๅญใใใใ (did you know, did you know, have you heard?)
My beloved trapped me in the mirror. It's hard to say, it's hard to say...if I blame him. How can I...Maybe once, I would have blamed him. If I had inside me an inborn rage and not a nothingness with an expanse for days and days, forever and a day, I wonder if I will live here now, a curse's curse,
ๅชใใฎๅชใใthe ๅชใใฎ็ใฎๆใใฆใใฎๅชใ NOROI NO NOROI, the NOROI NO OU NO AISHITETA NO NOROI The curse's curse. The high king of curses's most beloved curse.
I wonder, if I had a rage instead of a resolution, an absolution, that laid and razed for days and days. If I would blame my beloved for trapping me in the mirror where we could be happy.
I am happy here, in this mirror. (But I wonder, too, I wonder.)
In here, how many fathoms deep can my voice reach?
Does it matter? If my voice reaches 0 fathoms deep, then I can believe...then such things as I can believe, I can be the girl...as a girl wanted me to be. As the girl I was wanted me to be.
Or, I could be me.
I want to be loved, is the thing.
้กใฎไธ็ใธใใใใ
ไผ้ปๆต
- (when I imagined a world that was better)
I THOUGHT OF LOVE AND COMMON GRACE AND BROKEN SLIT SWAN NECKS AND THE TRICKLE DOWN EFFECT OF BLACK BLOOD AT NIGHT INTO THE GUTTER and a brother that was myself, not my brother, wishing I wouldn't do this.
WISHING IT WOULD END. IT COULD END. and it would have, and did,
because my brother lived. the brother that was not myself. lived. THE FIRST TIME. do you remember the horror, yuuji, have you seen what I seen?
do you know crushed ivory like rubious gemstone, fragments in pulverized skullmeat. in the mirror, yuuji, I don't have to be proud.
I can be scared, too,
like you were. of me. the ๅชใใฎ็ใ and the ๆฌกๅ ใฎ้ญๆณใ้ญๅฅณใ THE JIGEN NO MAJOU. I have died too many times a resurrection. seven, was it? and seven again.
DO YOU KNOW THE SMELL OF ROTTING MEAT IN THE SEWER, and the way deadstink bowels release in bloated corpses drowning in their own pale, pulsing, dead filth, tongues stuck trapped out of beaten putrid violet faces... and swan-slit throats. and even then.
EVEN THEN. heaven's laces.
in the shoes I tied in the drunken piss "of the alley out back where the party's at" in the song I still know, sung right back.
and I know the truth only as a reflection.
I have died and killed myself many more times than seven. YUUJI, you aren't even the first vessel in one thousand years. only the first to have a face to mirror mine.
I know the truth even if no one else does.
I WAS YOUR VESSEL. ๅจใSUKUNA ใฎ UTSUWA ใใใชใใ (i housed once a living and hopeful soul like a wriggling caterpillar inside a dead shell where the bird I was died.)
(in the end, the caterpillar became a butterfly. but did not survive.)
WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE, yuuji. my brother who Is myself. but the best and most hopeful parts. the best fortune and the shyest hope and love for life and sincerity and prosperity and uncontrollable, infectious joy. I AM AN INFECTION, BUT THE OTHER KIND. there are many things unknown to addiction, about addiction, unwilling to be known about addiction, to those, by those, and about those caught in addiction.
it is that when the marrow rots so pulsing, thick, and hot, like chicken fat on heart(y) chicken broth... it isn't worth saving. there's nothing to save. you can savor the flavor. but there's nothing to save.
I wonder if my pancreas rotted first in my heian suicide because I used it to consume human flesh. the easiest way to get rid of a crime is to eat it. that's what god did to the kingdom of GOD, isn't it. it rotted to nothing in the end.
I remember the butchery; that's why ใSUKUNAใ had to celebrate it. peeling meat from femur. excising meat from bone. I have the steady hands of a surgeon. I had, in one life.
BUT MY EGO WAS A FALSEHOOD. it ended, it died. I ate human flesh with egg yolk. I cracked the femur, the bone, to make soup I one day storied, and in this mirror can't stomach more than fawn feed and lettuce anymore. it makes me sick to know what I know.
but what makes me sicker is the world that abhored me, a whore cooking fresh, raw red meat in a dirty house on a gas stove that still worked, swamping the rest of the bodies of the massacre, and feeding my starving self on the fresh remains that were still good, and could go in the freezer of the refrigerator that by god(s luck) still worked.
IS THIS A STORY OR A TRUTH? is it the truth I went back to this massacre mouse hole of a house after being (REDACTED) at school by the counselor, and unbelieved by the one teacher I wished to protect me, in the same years I shuddered sick and shivering thru a coke / rohypnol circuit and reenacted asphyxiation for the nth time shivering shaking and gasping alone and fearful on the school steps cutting chem.
cracking a roasted bone for sweet marrow makes a sound like peeling moon yuca makes a sound like cracking fresh peppercorn, white, fermented, or black.
I learned to cook in the blood gutter. I made myself, bade myself forget.
AND YET, STILL I REMEMBERED. I don't miss the taste of human flesh. AND yet I wonder, the funny thing is that starvation made me remember. the combination of such extreme desperation, loneliness, and sick. addiction (again) and isolation and the lick of flame when I burnt down that house with all its human remains, freshly butchered, or not so fresh, in the refrigerator.
is cremation a heian funeral? or am I mixing up my stories red. I AM THE HIGH KING OF CURSES. and my starvation appetite is never fed.
but if I consign myself to the mirror. knowing, in life, yuuji is dead.
I have no one to forgive me. NO ONE to wish I was dead. not the first time, and not the second.
I left no one left. THAT IS WHY! I am not just a curse but the worst. and why, megumi, I have trapped us in the mirror.
where, I pray to God (me),
IF I CAN BE LOVED BY YOU. or the afterimage of someone I loved who could have loved me. (if I could have trusted, believed,)
then, I think
I CAN LIVE ON. PEACEFULLY. and die a quiet doe life. as the fawn I never got to be. and never again drink bone soup. or butcher raw meat. (BUT I STILL REMEMBER THE SOUND. of the machete scraping ivory meat. the whisper-skrr-hiss of the blade itching old, human bone.)
(as long as i can imagine being loved, megumi; I WILL NEVER DIE. but only a phantom in my imagination could love me sincerely for the suicide I couldn't be. whose survival I am a thousand times guilty.)
the secret is that I don't even know if I caught your soul in the end, or if the ้ญ (TAMASHII) that remains here is a mere imitation.
does it matter, though, if I love the real thing or just an imitation? an illusion of my creation.
isn't that what it means to play god? I could have been a surgeon. who else, more than they, love to play at being human gods? but I have already been an arbiter. I want to forfeit now.
but the truth of the truth is that if I can come to love me. then, I believe I can be loved, and someday others will look at me with their hearts, and see me, and what I have done, with love, even if I will never be forgiven, even if I cannot forgive myself for being born. I cannot forgive HEAVEN, either.
but I may be able to forgive me. in the guts. and the birdseed.
ใSUKUNA, the NOROI NO OU, calls a forfeit on his suicide gambling, the addiction to spinning the roulette to see what reason will strike him a feather breath away from suicide.ใ I have decided to live.
I have decided to live with myself.
- in here it could have been different
(let me tell you a story where it could have been different. i am here, telling the story, where it could have been different.)
HE THAT IS KNOWN NOW AS RYOMEN SUKUNA ไธก้ขๅฎฟๅบ is itadori sukuna ่ๆๅฎฟๅบ under the mirror, whose brother is famous for inadvisable stunts of physical prowess and who himself is famous on the jujutsu college campus for being A Grade A Asshole. sukuna follows his pissant twin under the subdued lights of the jazz club "because this club doesn't suck! it's got that stupid fucking PIZZAZZ JAZZ or whatever you like! ALSO YOU NEED TO FIND SOMEONE TO FUCK SO YOU STOP THAT BITCH-ASS MOOD, SUKUNA. get good." in sukuna's opinion, this club does suck, even if the low thrum of the plucked contrabass and the seductive howling of the horn and the trill of the sax is putting his mind at ease.
yuuji abandons him the second he sees his girlfriend, though, the soft, worn leather of her deceased mother's leather jacket curling across her shoulders as she turns her head, blowing her bangs out of the way to greet her boyfriend. junpei is the best thing to ever happen to yuuji, even grumpy ass sukuna can admit that.
but it makes his fucking stomach twist to see yuuji so happy. sukuna has never been, and may never be, that happy. he sits down, ordering a club soda and propping his head up at his lone seat at the bar, glaring away any woman that gets too friendly with him and snarling at any man. he doesn't want to pick up, he doesn't want another one night stand (YUUJI: more like one HOUR with your bitch ass), where he has to, to...
do what's expected of me. as someone that cuts up past six feet tall and fucking, looks like he knows how to throw an uppercut, with the hard thighs and hard ass that come from fucking, trying to keep, trying to keep up and outpunch any thought that just, any thought. sukuna inside himself is very small.
"hey," someone says from beside him, with a soft, silken voice like iron. sukuna shivers. he's about to pull his tongue out to say, "get the fuck away from me," but then he takes a look at her and forgets to close his mouth.
she's really beautiful. the slightest eyeliner cutting the edges of her eyes, her thick, full lashes all natural, though, her half-lidded gaze easily seductive, taking his breath away, stilling it sharp and prickly in his throat, his chest hurts looking at her, with her pursed, haughty lips glossed in sticky, pale pink, and her thin, linen jacket cutting a delicate silhouette. her clothes are all the same shade of deep, dark night blue, down to the pointed tips of her shoes, and the way she smiles at him, just the barest deigning of a twitch of the lips, revealing her sharp teeth...
sukuna didn't really think he was stupid. but he's looking at her and he's instantly forgotten every word he has ever known, including his own name, his brother's name, the name of his brother's sole happiness, and the first dog he ever had.
"hello?" she says. "H," sukuna manages. she laughs, meanly, definitely at him, his expense, and he smiles stupidly at her, halfway in love, just waiting for her to laugh at him some more...to do something...her sea urchin hair is so beautiful, royal, and mermaid-fair...
sukuna blurts, "have you heard of the legend where you eat the flesh of a mermaid you become immortal."
the sea-urchin princess smiles indulgently at him. "no, tell me more."
"that's all i really know. i, you're, uh. it's because i, you. FUCK, i'm not. uhh."
"mm-hmm, and?"
"I...my. I'M SUKUNA."
"my name is megumi. here, give me your phone. i'll show you the kanji. "
sukuna hands her his phone in a daze. he almost hands her his wallet, but she gives it back to him and tucks it back in his pants pocket. he thinks he may be drooling. she's so beautiful. her eyes are glittering in the low light with amusement at his expense, definitely at his expense, but she moves so gently and she's so lovely, he wants her to say more.
"here, take a look. i texted myself with your phone so i have your number. i wouldn't want to miss out on seeing you again."
"yeah...huh? oh. megumi." sukuna remembers how to read.
she put a little heart next to her name. she's so........................ "for godsend, or blessing. my dad didn't care about the gender of his child when he had one. so, megumi."
"hmm?"
"are you listening?"
"Yeah."
"really?"
"mm-hmm."
"what did i just say?"
sukuna tilts his head. she laughs behind her hand.
"uhhh. wait. you said that your dad didn't care about the gender of his kid. isn't, like, isn't megumi a normal name? for a girl to have?"
"oh? you don't think i'm a man? even if i look like this?"
sukuna blinks slowly, watching her beautiful mouth as it moves. he doesn't like kissing but he thinks maybe he'd reconsider if it meant he could touch that mouth with his mouth.
"you, uhh, aren't a woman?"
"no, i am. but i don't look like one. at all, really."
sukuna doesn't really understand and frowns a little.
"hmm...interesting. are you?"
"am i?" sukuna says, leaning in to the softness of her voice and her beckoning fingers.
she touches his cheek, the side of his neck, sliding her hand into his hair, her long, long fingers stroking up against the soft stubble of his undercut. he closes his eyes. she pulls his head in until he's curled over her, pressing his forehead into the side of her neck, which smells SO good, unspeakably good, inarticulately good. she smells warm and gentle and clean, with a faint herbal fragrance like sleepy ancient medicine and tall, wild flowers.
he sighs, reaching out for her willowy waist, and clumsily puts his big ugly paws on the dip of her side.
"mm, good girl," she whispers, hot into his ear. he gasps at the frisson of heat it sends through him, down through his spine and curling around his cock. "anyone waiting for you?" she says.
he shakes his head, panting lightly into her neck, her voice is so breathy, just barely tipping deep and warm and so, so gentle.
"i assume you're not seeing anyone?"
sukuna nuzzles into her neck, panting.
"what are you doing to me," he slurs. "GOD, whatever you're doing, don't stop..."
"sukuna, are you seeing anyone?" she says firmly.
"no, im single. haven't, haven't fucked for, i have my, i'm clean. so i. i'm tested, im clean."
"you're in luck, so am i. but i'm not going to fuck you. tonight."
sukuna whines.
"come home with me anyway. we'll sit together, get to know each other."
sukuna feels hurt, and a little unwanted, and he fidgets, biting his lip, fractious.
"shh. let's do this right. i want to do right by you. let me tell you a secret..." sukuna realizes he needs to respond. "yeah?"
"i want to keep you. so i want to do this right." "come home with you?"
"mm-hmm. let's go."
megumi finishes his club soda in one gulp and he watches her throat bob, the knot of it going up and down, and he wants to suck on it, right there.
megumi nips his ear with his teeth, and he feels himself full body flush, gasping at the jolt of pain and the line of heat to his cock.
"let's go."
- in her house, in her lap
in megumi's house, with my head on her lap, it feels like we've known each other our entire lives, with our entire lives left.
IS THIS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO NOT BE RUNNING OUT OF TIME. I'VE ALWAYS BEEN RUNNING THE RUN, RUNNING UNTIL THERE'S NO MORE "FUN" running to tears, tears running down my face, but no one can fucking see a big man cry that's PATHETIC, that's faggotry, that's Fucking Sick, pussy ass bitch.
but in megumi's house none of that happens and i wasn't beaten to dick.
her house smells faintly of sweet citrus candles, like sour melon candy, and faintly of cooked eggs.
i lie with my head in her lap, the rest of my body stretched out on her tiny couch, long limbs just sprawled over it. her hand combs through my hair and i moan a little as she scratches my scalp with her nails and tickles the back of my ears.
megumi, is it always like this? "what do you mean, kitten?"
"oh i wasn't...i didn't want to say...that...fuck..."
"it isn't, though. like this. usually."
"what do YOU mean?"
"i'm not used to this, either, this...you melted. you ooped right into my lap. i didn't have to do anything. i'm not even wearing my sexy clothes. i'm wearing my unsexy jacket and pants buttoned all the way up and down, and you're here wearing a shirt so thin i can see your nipples."
"hey, they're nice nipples."
"can i touch them?"
i laugh. "only if you want me to get hard."
"what if i said i did?"
"did what?"
my cock stirs, and i turn my head so i'm breathing open-mouthed into her crotch, which is beginning to bulge at the zip of her dark navy slacks.
"want to get you hard."
"thought you said you weren't going to fuck me today."
"never said you couldn't fuck yourself. god, kitten, you're so hot for it. we can talk and fuck at the same time, can't we? and you won't run away? you'll be good for me, won't you, girl, and you won't run away?"
"fuh-fuck."
i'm fully hard now, my fucking boner pointing like some pathetic little piece i can't get rid of but now don't want to. i writhe, rubbing my thighs, squirming in her lap.
"oh, kitten...you're so hot for it. you go down so easy."
"me-megumi...fuck, please, can i? can i suck your cock. please? i really, i really want to, fuck, god, what are you doing to me, i want, i want it so bad. please can i suck your cock? you'll let me?"
"mhm, go ahead."
like a rampaging cock-hungry fucking beast gagging for it, i undo her zip and fish her cock out of her panties (FUCK SHE'S WEARING SILK PANTIES SHE GOT FUCKING DRENCHED, THE WET SPOT, FUCK, im stealing these), and i pull her pants off so she'll be more comfortable, tossing them to the side, but i leave her panties on, running my hands all down her smooth, white legs, sucking hard marks on her thighs that'll sting like strawberries in the morning.
i dont want her to forget me. i suck her through her panties, the smooth, starry expanse of the expensive black-and-white patterned silk so smooth on my tongue, and so delicious, tasting her through it, sucking and sucking. the weight, the heft of her on my tongue feels so fucking GOOD, it's hard to think, i shove her panties to the side and then throat her, sucking her as far as i can until her cockhead is bullying the back of my throat, and her breath picking up, her soft moans, the way she's stroking my hair so, so gently, petting, as if i were a tiny, tiny kitten after all.
it feels so fucking good to suck her, the taste of it is exquisite, it's so dirty, the dark salt and the bitter tang of sweat, i pop off to bite her thighs some more, trembling with sweat, rubbing my palm across her smooth, tight abdomen that jumps and twitches as i lave my tongue over the bites on her thighs, already turning ripe red.
she guides my head back to her cock, pulling me down, and i suck and suck, covering my hand with what i can't swallow down, fucking gag reflex. (fucking trauma reflex from vomiting after being made to take it. like a fucking cockdoll. like a machina designed for nothing but to fuck and be fucked.)
but it makes me good at this, her breaths getting heavier, my cock jumping in tune with her panting.
"open your pants," she says.
in order to open them i have to peel them fucking off my sweaty ass, fucking pleather ass good for nothing spandexing shit, i wasn't fucking wearing underwear because they're too tight, they'll show an outline, and megumi licks her lips upon her correct premonition i was bare dick naked underneath.
"touch yourself," she says.
i shake my head. i want her to finish first. if i touch myself i'll cum instantly.
"oh?" she laughs, breathily. "can you cum without it?"
i nod like a good dog, a good girl.
"puppy," she moans.
"you know, i'm not a good person," she says, moaning, pressing my head down on her cock.
i pull off to bite her thighs, helplessly mute with desire.
she guides me back to her cock.
"if i was a good person we wouldn't be doing this," she says. "i should have said no. i should have, i wanted to say no, but you...fuck, you look so good, you're so fucking cute, and you're so gentle andใผ"
i shake my head the best i can, but she just pushes me back down, stroking my short peach hair.
"i saw you so eager, with your head in my lap, tail wagging, and i, i couldn't, i couldn't, i can't say no, i fucking WANT you too bad, you're like some kind of curse, you're so...gorgeous, and sexy, and so...i don't know the word for it, but you're so easy to read. i love that, that you're easy to read, easy for me, you want to please so, so much..."
the praise makes my cock jump, splurting wet at the head, but i haven't cum yet.
i'm about to, though.
"you're so wet...imagine fucking that into me. getting me wet inside with you. cumming inside me, spilling white until it leaks out."
i moan, shocked with the ferocity of desire, i don't really LIKE fucking, but i'd LOVE fucking her.
"you won't run away after this, will you? you'll stay, and then we'll do things right? we can talk, watch a movie, have a perfect date, like normal? i haven't fucked things up by saying yes to you, have i? tell me i haven't, tell me."
i pull off her cock, still stroking with my hand the spit-slick length, wet with her own fluid as well. i'm dazed, but i stand and kiss her neck, kneeling over her lap and rubbing our lengths together, thrusting my cock against hers, holding both of us in my huge, ugly hand.
"i...to be honest, i wanna run, i wanna go home like this was just nothing, like it meant nothing, because imma think about it for the rest of my fucking life, and i want to think about it as something good, before you really do start treating me bad, cuz everyone does, cuz i'm easy, and fuckable, and desperate to be fucked.
"but if you wanna keep me, even if you turn rotten sour...i'll stay. you know? i'll stay. i want...i want to make you happy. you, the way you look at me, it's nice, you know, it's nice. it's different, it makes me feel good, and is nice. i wanna make you feel good, i wanna make you happy, i want you to be happy, and i'm even OK being used just for sex, i'll be your sex puppy, your sex toy, it's fine, as long as you will be happy. i'll be happy by proxy.
"i just...it's been beaten into me. but when i see someone who, who wants me, and is, is a little, more, more dominant, than i am, which is easy i guess, haha, haha, i...i just...
I WANT TO SERVE. "I WANT YOU TO KEEP ME, AND I WANT TO SERVE."
i kiss down her neck and rub our hot lengths together, thumbing the leaking heads.
"i think i did something bad, sukuna. i think...i don't deserve that. can we, fuck, can we cum and start over? can we do this right? i, don't forgive me, don't say it was okay, i should have said no, i should have, i, fuck. am i fucking this up? sukuna?"
"cum for me," i say, kissing her on her lovely mouth, feeling it tingle in a way it's never done, my lips feel weird, buzzing, and i kiss her again, crushing her mouth to mine with a hand on the back of her head and the other stroking our cocks with an elegant, practiced, smooth twist of the wrist.
she jolts and moans, helplessly, as i lick into her mouth, pressing her in closer with a hand to the back of her head, and then she cums into my fist, and with an unspooling tension of extreme relief, i cum, too, rubbing it down both of us.
when she pulls off my mouth, our lips are crushed swollen, and her eyes are wet, lashes clumping together.
she pulls a wet wipe from the coffee table sanrio container that so obviously doesn't match her aesthetic and demeanor it must have been a prank gift, but she uses it to wipe us both off as we catch our breaths.
"sukuna, i'm sorry. i'm really sorry. im so fucking sorry. is it? can i fix this? can you let me fix this?"
i stare blankly at her. i haven't cum that hard...probably in my life. it's never really felt good. but i feel a kind of...glow in my chest, of satisfaction, of a job well done, and just...a pleasure that simply feels good, to have made her feel good, and for her to have made ME feel good.
"what's the problem?"
"i, sukuna, it...we just, talked, about it? kind of?"
i shrug. "i don't really remember what i say during sex. but i don't have a problem. anyway, should head back. i guess."
she clings onto my shirt. "will you stay? have coffee? dinner? i can make...well i'm not really good at cooking, but i have miso, and some mackerel konbini bentos? will you stay, please? please, sukuna?"
her eyes water, and i can't tell if she's actually upset or trying to manipulate me, but either way it is working, and i don't really care either way either.
i shrug. "i'm good at cooking, you got any fucking ingredients? i'll make fresh rice, tamagoyaki if ya got any eggs left, miso's good. fry up some mushrooms on the side if you got any."
"i...okay, is it okay?" she says.
"yeah, it's fine, it's whatever," i shrug.
"sukuna, is it really okay? you can say no."
"but you want me to stay."
"yes."
"so i can't say no."
"i think you want to stay, too, don't you?" her voice is very small.
"idk, i get all confused after sex. it makes me, idk, bristly, floaty, weird. i'm not used to, uhh, talking. after. or staying. i'm not really fucking good at like, talking. yuuji always says the third word out of my mouth is FUCK and i don't know none outside of FUCK, SHIT, BASTARD!"
"i think you're more than that. i know you are. please stay."
"like, i'm going to stay, cuz you want me to, but when you said i could say no, like i can't, because you want me to stay."
"you...could still say no, and not care, about me. i'm, fuck, i'm doing this wrong, i'm doing everything wrong, this is why i DON'T make decisions, this is why i DON'T fucking, do, what i want, this is why i don't get anything i want because i don't know how to chase it, i don't know how to run after it, i don't know how to pursue, or take, so when i do, i take too much, or say too much, and i'm, im not used to DOING or DECIDING, it's, but i..."
megumi runs up to me, hugging me from behind, her breath against the back of my neck, her thin arms wrapping around my thick waist.
"i want you. i saw you, and i wanted you more than anything in my life, i have never wanted anything in my life, i have never wanted for anything and i have never wanted anything."
megumi kisses the nape of my neck where the black stubble starts. "but i wanted you. i want you. i'm really sorry. i fucked up. but i want to do this right. i want to do right by you, and i want to do this right, but i don't know how, either. i don't know how."
"you fucking, think i do? i don't...i dont know shit. the only thing i know how to do is have sex and make it quick, cum quick, and hard, and good, and fast, and easy, and fun, and good, for whoever i'm with, and, it's whatever for me, it, it was different this time, and i'm uncomfortable, i dont, like, i don't know why it was different, i still want to leave and not think about it and also obsess about it every time i jack off for the rest of my Fucking life, and just like."
i stroke her arms around me, leaning my head back into her neck kisses.
"just like, you know, some one night stands are meant to be a one night stand you think about for the rest of your life and that's that. you never see each other again and you're not supposed to. you're just supposed to think about what could have been forever until you die just like all the time and thinking about what could have been is better than the horrifying reality of actually taking it and trying it and failing and fucking up and k-kissing and liking it and liking, and liking, and wanting, and being fucking HONEST, and fucking TRUE, and, and...wanting and being wanted, for more than your fucking, well, fucking."
i turn around in her arms, and she opens them, surprised, before sliding them around my neck, clinging. "megumi, i think this was supposed to be one of Those one night stands that i think about forever until i die. but? you asked me to stay, so i'll stay, i have to try. "
because i can't disobey. "you think i'm worth it?" megumi asks. then she smiles wryly, and shakes her head. "of course i'm not fucking worthy. but i'll make it up to you. i could be, someday, worth the effort, i'll be fucking sure, to, to be worth the effort, because of you i have an ambition now, and that ambition is to be someone deserving of, of belonging with you, of keeping you, of having you and meeting you."
i lower my eyes. "i can't decide that for you."
"you don't need to. someday, i'll give myself the permission to live, truly live, and i'll start...by asking you to, to live with me."
i jolt my head up, frightened that she saw through me the entire time. that i was about to die, and no one, not even my twin brother, noticed. "live with me, sukuna. let's...let's try to find an ambition, to keep us alive, and together. if you...if it's true you want me, and you want to be kept, it's also true i want you, and i want to keep you, then let's...forge an ambition to make it through to the end together, until one of us breaks apart to, to to...let's survive until annihilation, let's live and let's truly live, not just..."
"not just play our predesignated parts," i murmur. "yes, sukuna. yes."
i kiss her, thinking of her mouth, and thinking of dinner. i think i have sinned, i am a sinner, i have done and met unworthy atrocities, i have committed atrocities with these two hands and this unholy / sacred body, but. for as long as she wants me. i am wanted.
and if she tells me to live...
i cannot disobey.