sad TW: too many to tw just dont read if triggers have
OB (big brother): something something it's fucking fun to ? be a crazy fucking bastard that's HILARIOUS and cute and cool as hell but also extreme normies are like what the fuck is wrong with this bitch? but many sweeties are like hehehehe (evilhehe) and think i am cute and charming actually all femmes and non cis men thought me / baby ob were sooo cute and charming and funny and bastardly positive but the one cis man thought that i (classed as femme thing) was Alarming Invasive And Arrogant bc i had the confidence of The Dicked but not the "correct" normative masc appearance that he could accept lol
something something fucking awful to have No Parking! and have to wander the back alleys where i fucking Killed People? and then the afterparty being in a venue where gangs rent to deal coke lol and decide who to kill
lol?
cis men have the most issue with Me being genderfuckd
also fucking feel horrible disgusted weird uncomfortable traumatized but also connected to ? read part of carta monir's "napkin" which details extremely carta monir's sex trauma'd extremely extremely active sex haver and self proclaimed slut relationship to sex but also. the horrors. but also horrifying to me bc it's pure katagi horror
and the katagi horror is somehow more skin crawling like? a pestilence under the skin... than the trueness and loyalty i knew when lives were on the line. it just. it DISGUSTED me and made my skin crawl not her at all but the impact and the aftershock that childhood sexual trauma (SEVERE) had on her and shaped her now
and how not a single breath of it not a single mote of dust touched the gangs and there was no bloodshed and no killing and no brutality just common people having uncommon sex and a lot of it with other people and the way she described the extreme intensity of intimacy and ABSOLUTE DEVOTION she had to her sexual partners in the moment that she would also discard without a second thought for her spouse if her spouse called who was her first priority
i'm just crawling my skin is fucking spiked with horror and disgust and this genuine katagi permitted EXTREME fucking horror that starts with xtreme young childhood incest and the infection of patriarchy that not once involves killing, not once involves a brutalizer, not once touches "a drug" (outside of "recreational molly" as a one time thing but not a fucking trade
and the FUCKING ABSENCE of the gang involvement in the sex horrors makes me fucking disgusted revolted horrified at.
the way that 'this world' isn't any fucking better
I'M JUST HORROR DISGUSTED just. not at carta monir but at the systems that forced her to be this way that fucked her up as much as i'm fucked up but she has always lived in a world in a societal system where legalities are enforced and so is a certain kind of morality outside of her sexual perversions yet there's no. there's no killing, there's no bruising, no hitting or bloodshed
just. WHY ISN'T IT THERE. why isn't it there. how do you people up here just let people like carta monir happen. why was the violence imposed upon her at 5 years old permissible and encouraged and concealed why isn't it better up here. why it it Just The Fucking Same the building the "afterparty" meetup with fucking assembly line home made burritos and corn chips and fucken, fanta in five flavors including grape, in the same fucking warehouse concrete floors empty of windows (long distance from windows) long expanse of "cheap empty, easy to clean floors" the same fucking rentable warehouse where gangs Tortured people and killed them and cleaned the floors ❤️ because concrete doesn't stain if you put enough tarp on it, and there's enoug hppl who know how to bleach them
thinking about the gay nightclub owner partner of the "kweer" hair stylist who fucking. owns the nightclub that drugged roofied sold my fucking unconscious body to the highest bidder and letting the cops get a cut to shut the fuck up. in a room that the traffickers paid off the club owner to "not pay attention"
and how the "cheap venue!" that the organizers for zine fest is exactly the fucking same ass one that i KNOW coke was dealed and people were killed in or if people weren't ACTUALLY killed on the concrete killing floor it was the place where gang leaders smoked and decided who to exterminate / who the hitmen would place the hits on
im fucking .the horrors immense
how can i just talk to people and pretend i didn't make a career out of killing
in the same fucking city in the same fucking places
on that note i FUUUUCKING hate people who wear gentrified "detroit" merch like fuck the ass off you white bougie motherfucker from the suburbs who's never SEEN the hood or even spoken to anyone FROM the hood like if a black person wants to wear a detroit hat like org's dad like GO THE FUCK AHEAD!!!!! but if a white middle class kweer living in the extremely expensive
gentrified stolen and "cleansed" neighboorhoods of detroit wearing a DETROIT merch like go the fuck away take that shit and put it in the trash with your entire ass
what are you proud of. you know nothing. you've never even SEEN a goddamn gun even i, who knew the worst gutters of detroit, wouldn't fucking dare assume the privilege of representing a city i only "worked" in
just. fucking disgusted about the world. to clarify i don't blame carta monir for literally anything but i feel such shame and horror and absolute unsacred about the world that permitted her to suffer from the Same Fucking Extreme Sex Horror @ 5 years old. that continued to aftershock her for her entire fuckeing life. just i'm horrified she was permitted to be fucked up im disgusted at the world that condoned and encouraged the way that she got fucked up
and how every single bit of it was "legal and above board" not a single thing of it was "criminal"
in the sense most people think of criminals
is csa a crime? it doesn't seem like it lol. actually it seems like it's quite permitted and encouraged in many neighborhoods and households. so it isn't Rly consdiered a violent crime and the percentage of actual pursued and persecuted sex crime offenders is so fucking small compared the vast amount of shit that happens in schools hospitals houses behind closed doors restaurants supermarket bathrooms
it's not a crime like murder or killing which is also not a crime when police do it
i fucking DESPISE TO FUCKING EARTH! i wish that anyone that apologizes about the police an early fucking grave. i want to bury you all
the police are. "what if a human being was permitted absolute power and permissed every violence without any threat of persecution or consequence" a human being a police officer will fully indulge in every single possible violence imaginable
and they will be permitted bc THEY are the law
(the law) sanctions them fully
i fucking HATE and am horrified to extreme violence anyone that thinks a police officer ever does a single thing aside from committing literally every conceivable violence
you are fucking Disgusting if you think a police officer or a "law enforcement officer" or a fucking prison guard does literally anything other than kill kill kill people and if not. then worse. by shattering and twisting up their egos and hearts until they become unrecognizable pieces of meat i just am so Goddamn Angry about. what is the world fucking worth if nowhere is safe it's not better up here it's just the same fucking world there isn't a such thing as two different worlds, the underworld and the katagi world, the same fucking violences and violencers happen in both worlds it's the same fucking world it's the same fucking locations
nothing is inviolate, and nothing is sacrosanct. is there nothing sacred?
(though nothing is inviolate, i know there is still sacred left.)
i just fucking hate the world that permitted a 5 year old carta monir to experience the "legal, permitted, societally acceptable" harm that i, a child porn star, experienced on the gang side. how is it that there is no one who is safe from harm. how is it that harm is everyfuckingwhere and no one is truly safe from it, only ignorant and willfully ignorant police commit the worst sexual harm and abuse
they commit the worse because there is no consequence and they relish in it who would listen to a "criminal" over a "respectable police officer" who is simply "punishing evil"
police lie to boost the numbers so they meet the quota of prisoners to fuel the modern slave labor
a woman that they want can simply become a prisoner just because they find her attractive and want to fuck her without any consequence. they can just invent a crime.
police are the worst scum of human beings. every single one of them disgusting.
ob (small): i am feeling some kind of way about. horrors. and. idk. feelbad but don't want die just feel like stamps tamps stamps in the sense that horror and harm is common and unavoidable and violation seems to be natural and also, like, unavoidable and omnipotent
but don't want die?
just feel extreme sadness and a kind of guilt about knowing and a kind of idiocy also just like. feel stupid about feeling so so so bad about "invisible horrors" that people who wuv horror but don't wuv traumatic horror media like. ppl who wuv exaggerated horror that they can finish the movie and walk away from and return to their normal lives after the catharsis of controlled fear and exposure to an evil that, ultimately, isn't real just makes me feel upset
thinkin about ppl who wuv horror but would only be sexually aroused by carta's "napkin" instead of secondhand traumatized by it same w/ the ppl who wuv horror but are uncomfortable about taylor mccue's "he fucked the girl out of me"
just. like, some horror fans can watch horror bc in the end they can shut off the tv and the horror is "over" after they were scared exposed to scared adrenaline in a controlled 2hr window
and then after they Have a normal life to return to with only an ordinary level of societal horror
instead of the extreme exaggerations they love to think are fictional and are protected by thinking "are fictional and therefore impossible and fake, movie magic" OR are "other people's problems" and "other people's horrors" and they have the voyeuristic pleasure of watching the schadenfreude of Other People's Problems
but also feel extremely don't care about worthless beliefs that read the little prince carelessly and disregard the reality of child suicide and extremely young child harm whose aftershocks fill the vessel (overflowing) for an entire lifetime if the child makes it to adulthood, which is not assured or guaranteed
don't care about worthless people who believe the little prince is a charming story about youth or people who think that jjk is just a meaningless battle shounen or that chainsaw man is sensationalist pulp garbage with superficial empty violence "for shock" do u realize you are handling another person's extreme grief abuse violence harm and memories
no? ok
bye
extreme angry simmering
extreme violence and monstrous inhumane harm is not "a fiction" to me...it was my entire world. it still is. so i dont like it when ppl use it as some kind of "interesting philosophical quandry" or "fascination" like harm is "just a grotesque spectacle" and not something that ruins the lives of children even after they make it to adulthood, even IF they do...instead of kiling themselves young
suzu being surrounded by "little princes"
suzu being a little prince...
shiragiku...
death to me is not just a plot device...
i can't treat it as one
death and the threat of death is something i feel every single day of my life every single moment and sometimes to combat it i become suicidal because i'd rather control how i die than die at the hands of something or someone else
i just. i miss them. my people...
my people like the prince of a thousand enemies' people
i just miss them to death
had a rly weird day todayy me and big brother in a place we shouldn't have gone to. just. crycrycry